For anyone who’s moderately tech-savvy, a potential love match is now only a few clicks or a swipe away. Websites like Spiritual Singles, OkCupid, PlentyOfFish and Match.com, and dating apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge offer a seemingly endless stream of romantic interests. Is all that choice actually helpful? Is it even good for us? Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, a Calabasas-based couples therapist and assistant clinical professor at UCLA, shares his thoughts on how technology can help—or hinder—efforts to find love. Dr. Tatkin has written several books on healthy relationships, including his most recent, Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate (New Harbinger).
What makes somebody an ideal mate? Are there things to look out for early on?
An ideal mate, at least in one regard, is somebody who believes in the same things you do in terms of how the relationship should go. Ask yourself, “What is my idea of a good relationship? What’s the point of being in a relationship?”
If you think that in a relationship it’s a good idea to tell each other everything, and you meet somebody who thinks that’s not a good idea, that probably should be a deal-breaker from the beginning. What kind of relationship are you looking for? There are all sorts of people you can be attracted to, but not everyone is going to bring your idea of what the relationship should be.
Some people believe we only have one soulmate. How do you feel about that?
I think it’s a bunch of crap. Here’s why. First of all, finding your soulmate assumes that there’s one or just a very few of them out there. Think of the billions of people in the world. I’d quit dating right now if that were the case, because the chances of my finding that person is slim to none. It’s a problem, just like it’s a problem when people still say, “You’ve got to love yourself before you can love another person,” which is patently untrue. You learn to love yourself through another person, and that’s the way it’s always going to be. You learn about yourself by knowing another person really well. There are a lot of mythologies out there that people still ascribe to. Soulmates are one of them.
So many dating apps are about swiping through photos. How important is physical attraction in a good relationship?
We’re visual animals. From a distance we’ll be attracted visually to someone, which makes us want to move closer. Moving closer allows us to use a different visual pathway where we’re able to see the fine muscles of the skin, the face and the pupils. That’s something you can’t do from afar, and you can’t do in a picture.
In order for you to really be attracted to someone, you need all of your senses. You’re watching them in action, you’re hearing their voice. If you get close enough, you’re actually picking up a smell. All of these things are happening on a sub-cortical level—on a biological level. Nature puts you on a cocktail of drugs that makes you want to do that, and it alters your perception and your judgment so you will do it, without considering whether this person is an appropriate person in the long run. Nature doesn’t care about that.
What advice would you give someone who’s trying online dating for the first time?
Dating has always been a face-to-face, eye-to-eye, skin-to-skin proposition. Think of online dating as an entry point, but it is only that. The vetting process is done face-to-face, and done with your friends and family. You never want to go long without walking your person around to all your peeps so they can smell them, because your friends are going to be able to see things that you’re blind to, because you’re on the drugs that occur in the beginning of a relationship. It’s a two-step process: Biology picking your partner, and then your social network vetting them to see if they’re appropriate for the long run.
Think of online dating as a calling card. It really takes a year to get to know someone. Anything shorter than that, the person’s still not quite in focus. You want to know that this person doesn’t run away—or attack—when there’s conflict. You want someone who is going to hang in there. They don’t have to be the epitome of mental health, they just have to want to do this, like you do.
Is there a downside to online dating?
The problem with these applications is that it gives the impression of plenty, which feeds an addiction. There’s an addictive aspect to love, but it’s an addiction that comes from face-to-face, eye-to-eye and even skin-to-skin contact, not a fantasy from a photograph. So that means we have to meet, but if I have this endless stream of faces and pictures to swipe, then it becomes a little bit like a slot machine. I begin to get addicted to the process, and I no longer become interested in connecting or attaching to anybody. Now this is not true across the board, but it’s true for a lot of people. Here’s the problem with it: In terms of the human brain, we like a lot of choices, but we’re not happy with them. The more choices we have, the less happy we are. We’re happy when we have one or two choices and then we choose and we go all in. That’s true of buying a car, choosing a career, looking where to move… all of that.
What should people be looking for at the start of a relationship?
The skill set necessary for dating is one that’s necessary for relationships in general, because basically you’re dealing with strangers and you’re learning about them as quickly as possible without being intrusive—and you’re allowing yourself to be learned. If they don’t fit into what you think the relationship should be, they don’t have similar values to you in terms of how you feel about this, they should be out of the running, but people aren’t thinking that way. They’re not thinking about the long run, they’re thinking about the short term.
The other mistake people make is by being so self-aware that they’re not paying attention to details—they’re not watching the face, studying the face, studying the eyes, studying the body. Part of the joy of getting to know someone is really being present and paying attention. A lot of people who go on dates are not. They’re self-referential, they don’t give and take, they don’t look interested and they’re not present. That is a problem not only for dating, but for any kind of relationship.
Some people look on line to add someone to the mix. Can a good relationship have more than two people in it?
There’s been a poly population from the beginning of time. The nice thing about today is that there’s much more freedom and acceptance in terms of sexuality. In my experience, I’ve yet to meet a polyamorous relationship that has worked out. It doesn’t mean they don’t, but there’s a problem generally speaking, because the human animal tends to pair. If you and I become a primary attachment relationship, and we bring others in, there will be problems if you and I are no longer primary. This is true even in polygamous cultures, say in Africa, where even though there are a lot of wives, there’s always one specific one who’s the head, and this is the one that the husband goes to when he’s in distress or wants to celebrate. We still have a primary other, even if we’re polyamorous, and the question is whether that can actually exist in the long run. I haven’t seen it happen that way.
What do you say when someone asks, “How do I meet somebody?”
People meet at Starbucks, they meet at book clubs. If you’re in your home all the time, in one place, and no one sees you, what are the chances? It’s a numbers game. The more people you’re exposed to, the more people you meet, the better chance you have of finding somebody who clicks.
