Shakti Gawain’s Guide to Creating the Relationship You Long For

For a struggling young New York actress longing for a life partner and career success, stumbling upon Creative Visualization was like finding the keys to a magic door. Shakti Gawain’s bestselling book started me on a path of “creating my own reality” that quickly brought striking results: I hadn’t gotten work in months and suddenly I started booking jobs every week. I was elated. The relationship angle took a little longer but I credit this work for eventually helping me to connect with my life partner.

A seeker and early adopter, Shakti cofounded publishing company New World Library (with Marc Allen) in 1977, before her 30^th birthday. Her books have sold more than ten million copies in more than 35 languages worldwide.

WLT was delighted to reconnect with Shakti on the publication of The Relationship Handbook, co-written with Gina Vucci, who has been leading workshops and facilitating groups based on Shakti’s work for 14 years.

WLT: I remember when you met your husband because it was just before you joined the WLT “Enlightenment Cruise” through the Hawaiian Islands in the very early 1990s. Did you “visualize” Jim into your life?

SG: Prior to meeting Jim, I was longing for and visualizing a deep connection with a partner, however the right relationship was not manifesting. It was frustrating for me and of course, many people would come to my workshops and introduce me to the partner they had “visualized.” I was baffled.

Then I discovered the work of Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone. They introduced me to the idea that there were different parts within me and that although part of me very much wanted a relationship, other parts did not. I began to nurture the parts of me that were frightened and resistant—for good reason, because I had been living out of balance for some time. Once I experienced consciousness about the process going on inside me, I began to heal. Once I experienced this shift toward balance and self-nurturing, I literally reconnected with Jim the following week.

Can Creative Visualization (CV) also be an effective tool for couples in a relationship?

Yes, yes, yes! When we can visualize with our partners we can experience a deeper sense of intimacy, passion, joy or healing in our relationship in a very significant way. On our own, we can bring about great changes as well. Especially when we bring in the tools from The Relationship Handbook, where we recognize that our partners are teachers for us guiding us to what we are unconscious of in our own lives.

How important is it for a visualization to be specific?

The more senses we can engage when visualizing, the more potent the experience. However, there is an essential aspect to this work, which is to turn it over to the universe and trust that “this or something better” is now manifesting for us. So we co-create with the universe. By using these techniques we are bringing ourselves into alignment with what is possible.

I encourage people to be specific in their visualizations because I have seen that it produces better results. At the same time, CV is most powerful when combined with a consciousness process to discover “who” in us is wanting that relationship, that job, that vacation.

What would you say is the most important single trait for both people to have in a relationship?

Compassion, or viewed in another way, tolerance. As we focus on our own inner work and our own healing, we develop compassion for ourselves. We gain insight into our stories and experiences and how these have had an impact on our lives. As we discover healing through this process and enjoy a sense of peace, we naturally begin to experience it with others. We can create the space for them to be in their process and recognize that they, too, have had experiences that influence their interactions and behaviors. If we can cut ourselves and those around us some slack, it can go a long way.

What do you think about making a list of “non-negotiables” in looking for a partner?

I think it’s good to make a list and see what’s important to you, to get clarity about what you most desire in a partner. However, we are co-creating with the universe. How can we know what is our best path or what we need to learn?

What role do our “disowned selves,” the parts of ourselves we don’t acknowledge, play in the high divorce rate?

If we can view our partners as a mirror of our own process, we can take our criticisms about our partner and unpack how that is really a reflection of our own inner process. What is being shown to us is an area where we are out of balance or something that is disowned or being denied within us. It is uncomfortable and our natural reaction is to blame the other person.

However, there is freedom in bringing the focus back to us. To see our partner as a teacher for us, and that they are carrying an opposite energy to us, which is actually the exact thing we need to experience the wholeness we are seeking in our lives, is very powerful. It completely shifts the dynamic. If both partners are seeking healing, growth and intimacy through focusing on themselves and their own inner work, there is less desire to leave a relationship.

Although if [a partner was chosen] from a place of denial or lack of balance or wholeness, as we grow and change, the end of the relationship may be the natural course that unfolds.

Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking someone is going to change in a troubled relationship. Are there any shortcuts to cutting your losses?

Bringing the focus back to ourselves and opening up to the healing and growth that is possible for us in the relationship will lead us to clarity about whether or not a relationship is right for us. And again, our path may lead us to the exact person and experience we need to discover the healing we are seeking. So what may feel awful may actually be the exact situation we need to experience on our path of healing and growth, and may prove a turning point for us.

What advice would you give your 21-year-old self about relationships based on what you’ve learned since that time?

Run! Actually, I would say that life and relationships can be painful and difficult. However, using our relationships as a path of consciousness, seeing others as teachers and lessons as gifts, can be very powerful. Although you may experience difficulty, the healing and growth that is possible make it worthwhile.